Disappointment or Embarrassment, that is the question

I’m not usually one to give parenting advice.  After all, I don’t think I’m very good at it.  But I did sleep at a Holiday Inn over the weekend (okay, it was a La Quinta), so here goes…

Let’s face it, children make parents angry.  Seems to be unavoidable.  I’ve noticed, however, that my anger stems from different reasons.  They sometimes make me mad because they get in the way of my doing what I want (I’d rather watch the news than make PBJ’s, I want quiet instead of laughter, I’d rather sit than clean up their messes, etc.).  I sometimes get angry at them because they don’t do things as fast as I do (impatience).

When children do or say bad things in public, we get angry too.  Here is where I want to focus on motive.  A child shows disrespect to an adult; a child won’t play with the other kids; a child won’t share his/her toys; a child won’t behave in church worship; a child calls other kids names, and so on.  We get angry. We take him/her aside and have a talk or exercise discipline.  Why?  Quite often, I’m afraid, my primary reason for anger, then scolding, then discipline is that the child has embarrassed me.  It’s not that the child has disappointed me.  And I believe the child knows the difference and the difference is profound.  When the first words out of my mouth are something like, “Why did you say that?  You said that right in front of Joey’s mom!  How embarrassing!  Now I have to go and apologize to her.  How fun for me.  Oh, and don’t think they will ask us to come over their house anymore!  I ought to whip you!”  What message does this communicate to the child?  It reveals the true beneficiary of the discipline (the parent).  It shows the child that the parent is only interested in his/her behavior so far as it reflects on his parents.  It teaches them that so long as they appear mannered and well-behaved on the outside, parents don’t care what’s on the inside.  In fact, the inside doesn’t matter.  Just be a ‘good’ robot.  But a parent who is more disappointed than embarrassed will have a different pre-discipline talk and the child will have a different post-discipline interpretation.  “Why did you speak like that?  Is that the way God wants us to treat other people?  Which commandment did you just break?  Is this how we show gratitude to God for his goodness and mercy to us?  We are told to love God and our neighbor, how do your words demonstrate that you are doing that?  I’m disappointed in you.  You are a child of mine and I love you.  You are child of God’s, and he loves you.  Are you acting like our child?  What’s going on inside you that made you say such things?  Perhaps we should pray about that together and ask for God’s forgiveness.”  It’s obvious what message discipline motivated by disappointment sends to the child.  First, it tells him that his parent is concerned with his well-being, not primarily their image or reputation.  That’s huge by itself.  It demonstrates genuine concern for the child’s character, rooted in matters of the heart.  It helps him understand the true basis of his discipline – a discipline born of love not selfishness.  It tells him that dad is disappointed because the son is somebody with an important identity up to which he is not living.

In sum: A child who is emotionally hurt because his actions disappoint his parents gleans more from discipline than a child who is hurt because his actions embarrass his parents.  Their long-term reactions, especially in their teen years, to these different  motives are likely to be vastly different as well (rebellion vs appreciation).*

We are told to relate to God as Father.  As our heavenly Father, I wonder which of these motives, disappointment or embarrassment, is His motive behind his loving discipline towards us?

*I want to add that it is perfectly appropriate to stress that children should not bring shame to their parents (that’s part of honoring father and mother, after all; and Christians are to be jealous over the reputation of our Father as well).  But the child can tell the difference, I bet, between a parent’s concern over bringing shame to the family name and mere selfish embarrassment.  Telling a child he is bringing dishonor to his family is quite different in nature (and tone) than yelling at him for embarrassing me in front of my friends.